How do you become the person you want to be?

I see her. She's pretty far away and I don't know how to reach her.
How do you do it?
I seem to fail at every hurdle.
I'm not the woman, wife, mother, daughter or friend that I want to be. I try, but I don't strive.
I know it is within me me yet I take two steps forward...
Oh God, please help me to be that person.

Nice

I'm editing this post so that i'm not confronted by the really nice comment made to me.

I remembered something else!

Lol!
I am a consumer. I consume and consume and consume. Phew! It's tiring and actually pretty unfulfilling. I remember  a song by Kanye West "All falls down" resonated with me. Let me fnd the words...
"a single black female addicted to retail...We'll buy a lot of clothes when we don't really need em
Things we buy to cover up what's inside..."

There's more but these highlight the point i'm trying to make. Why do I feel the need to acquire stuff? I have two large storage cupboards jan packed with 'things'. I use the same things in these cupboards and large majority are stored. But if I don't use them, what the heck am I keeping them for?
I need to get rid of some shit!

I've penned a few blog entries in my head

But not posted them. Lets see if i can remember...
Oh yeah, the first was about perception.
It follows on from my ST Georges flag post.
When I see a woman in niqab I feel a bit envious. I wish that I had the faith and confidence to wear one. I don't feel fear, but apparently some do.
I can't remember what it felt like for me to see a woman in niqab before I was a Muslim. I'm not sure I even noticed.
So perception in 'nine tenths of the law' as  I like to put it. We can look at the same thing and yet perceive it to be something else.
My husband and I can't agree on what a jumper is.
Which leads me on to politics...
I spoke to friend on polling day about who were going to vote for and our reasons behind doing so. This conversation carried on for approximately 60mins. With us no closer to understanding each others viewpoint. We've been friends for a long time.
But it did make me wonder how we can be friends when we are poles apart in our thinking regarding politics? In fact, it's not that our chosen political stances differ. It's that our understanding of the political system is very different.
It was her first year voting.
Which leads me on to a thread at my favourite watering hole ;) Where it was  argued that the BNP are not racist and how is 'Britain staying British' racist?
Well what can I say to that? Lots, but I'm not going to bother other than to ask what is it to be British?
And finally. After watching that debate unfold I bumped into someone that i've known for about 20yrs and some how got onto politics (yeah, learn your lesson woman). She then started to go on about illegal immigrants??!! Show me and illegal immigrant!! I know they exist but honestly I think the people she was talking about were immigrants. Nothing illegal about them.
This coming from a woman who 'fiddles the system'. WTHeck??!!
I'll crawl my butt back under a stone.

St George's Day

Apparently he is the patron saint of a few places which I never new. In fact I know little to nothing about St George. My guess is that most people don't.

I do know about the flag. The English flag. St George's cross.






It actually elicits a physical response from me, and not a positive one. A little feeling of dread. I can't help it. In my head I know it is just the flag of England. But the numpties who have commandeered it as their own have succeeded (in my case) in creating a negativity around it.
I was talking to a friend a couple  of months ago about how twerps have made it unpopular to fly the flag and celebrate St George's day. That we should claim it back and celebrate it as it was meant.
I agree. Maybe next year we should Issue St George's day as a 'claiming it back day'!
Maybe next year I'll fly the flag (I doubt it though).

Health Care Bill

I don't know the ins and outs of it but I hope that it helps to improve the lives of those that need help, but can't get it (for whatever reason).
I can't imagine not being able to pop along to the doctors. Worrying about whether it will be covered by my insurance. The NHS is not perfect by any means, but I thank God that it is available to me.
I'm at the doctors most weeks with my sons eczema. I am repeatedly getting prescriptions for him (which are free).
I'll say it again. Alhamdulilah (praise be to God)!

So I visited a school today

I'm not sure what I think of it.
The person showing me around was a little lack lustre. Is that relevant?
I asked if she enjoyed working there? She said it was alright *shrug* - what do you say to that?
It is a small school - bonus. But the school is small iykwim? The playground wasn't very large. But it had a separate area for the nursery kids and a garden for growing plants/veg?
Overall it seemed OK but I'm not enamoured with it.
The search goes on...

I'm Anxious

About which school my son should go to. He won't go until he's 5 as he's born in September (he's 3 now) I have to choose when he's 4. But I can't stop thinking about which school he will attend.
I keep toying with the idea of home schooling but don't know if I could do it!
I'm visiting another school tomorrow. I don't want him to go there and I've not even visited it.
I also made an appointment at another school for Friday.
I tried to go and visit the closest school (I attended it for just under two school years), as far as i'm concerned it's a crock. But I thought it was 20 years ago that I attended it and I shouldn't go off what people have said about it as their values could be very different.
So I phoned and tried to make an appointment to have a look at the school at the person I spoke to did their utmost to dissuade me. What's that about? I'm not even going to bother!!!

Another school that I visited, and reputedly a good one (I did like the feel of it).The person that showed me around was telling me I should put one of my 'local' schools down as I may get turned down and find that the local authority place my son in a school that is ridiculously far away. 'would I rather he go to a crappy school (even if it's just through the appeals process). Or a school in a different part of the city?'.
Neither thanks!
These schools that I'm looking at are 10/15 min walk away and 5 mins in the car.

I'm getting to babywear!!!

It's so nice!!! I'm finally able to wear my youngest son!!! His face and scatching has improved enough for me to wear him!
I've worn him in my Zitai's mostly. They are perfect!
I've got to build my babywearing muscles back up but it so nice to be able to back carry my little guy.

Where are you from?

I get this every so often. Mostly from Muslims.
I always stutter. I want to say "I am from Manchester thanks!"
I'm a Mancunian gosh darn it!
But that's not what they want to know. They want to know where I get my brown skin from. So I say, "my parents are from Jamaica". Then I feel like I'm disowning Jamaica, which I'm not. But I've never set foot there. My parents both attended secondary school in the UK and when the talk patois (Jamaican), I wanna hide under a stone lol! Because it's so alien to me (don't tell them ;)It sounds like they're putting it on.
I was having this conversation with my husband as it happened again and he said - as he always says "you're Jamaican".
He's Somali - well he's as Mancunian as they come but his parents are Somali. So I said
"I would argue that as Jamaica was a colony of Britain and under British rule for the longest time. The traditions and identity of Jamaicans (descendants of African slaves) has been somewhat eroded and intermingled with that of their 'rulers'" Well something like that lol!
So he said that maybe it was something about my family that didn't identify with being Jamaican.

Fair enough, I suppose that could be the case.
When I look at him I see that it is something to be Somali iykwim? Traditions,pride, a sense of belonging and many other things. That is aside from the identity he has from being a (born)Muslim.
I don't know what it is to be Jamaican. We ate ackee and saltfish on special occasions. But we ate roast chicken on Sunday's and everything else was not especially Jamaican (whatever that is).
I identify most with being Mancunian. I talk like a Manc. I walk like a Manc. But I don't drink like a Manc ;) lol!

Parenting can be lonely and thankless

Did I know that before I 'signed up'? Nope. I mean I didn't expect it to be a whirlwind of parties and canapes.
But shoot! It's isolating.
Well I'm not your socialising type anyway. I've been a home body for a long while. I could force myself to go to the park and smile at the other mum's but I don't want to.
Do you think you can make friends as an adult? I mean real friends?
I feel like I have. But I'm not very good at maintaining relationships, and relationships can't be one sided.
End waffle

Are you Socially/Environmentally Responsible?

I know for sure that i'm not environmentally responsible.
I walk past a lady that cycles to the nursery with her son and today I mentioned that I feel bad getting into my car when she's cycled.
I think I'm a wannabe. I want to be more responsible but quite frankly, i'm not.
I don't recycle. I dabbled in cloth nappies, that didn't take. I don't use my car often but I could use it less (less than 7000 miles in 3yrs). However, we are a two car family and we do use each others cars.
I've turned the heating down, but that was for my son.
I've started putting my food waste to be composted by the council. Only because they've given me the facility to do so.
So as you can see I'm not responsible. Sometimes I feel stupid

What happened to babywearing?

Gosh! it used to be my main obsession. I think I have an addictive personality ;)
I can't wear my youngest son as much as he uses me and the slings to scratch his itch :(

Alhamdulilah (Praise be to God)!!!

I know my last post was a bit self indulgent (tripe). I just wanted to say that overall I feel so very lucky Alhamdulilah!
I have a husband who works very hard to provide a very good living for me. I have the family I have always wanted.
Life is good!

Waffle

I've lived in the same house for 20 years. Coming up 21. I hate almost everything about this place. I'm starting to like a little bit more.
I guess because I'm finally starting to put my stamp on it. I've always thought of this place of a stepping stone. Some stepping stone you'd say.
I moved here when I was ten and lived here with my family (mum and brothers) until I was about 17/18 years old. When my elder brother moved back, my mum moved out with her now ex husband.
So in the year 2000 my big bro had serious car accident and was in a coma for six months (we were told he would never wake - he did but is wheelchair bound)and myself and my then boyfriend, now husband were 'stuck' here. We both resented it for different reasons- the house that is.
So i've never moved out. I'm just here. Still.
I have to say alhamdulilah though. Although it's not the way I had envisaged it. It has worked out well.
I've got much more to say but just don't have it in my right now.

Happy New year!

I have composed many a blog entry over these past months - in my head. Not sure if they would have been of any interest to anyone.
I've been awol mostly because my second son has had a severe case of infected eczema on his face for over half of his life. It's been an absolute nightmare. I have been unable to put him down for months on end as he would scratch, and scratch and scratch. His face was a raw open wound. As I described it to a friend 'he looked like corned beef and smelled like raw meat'. Poor kid
Can you imagine being so itchy that you can't.stop.itching? It drove me crazy so I can't imagine how it felt for him.
Alhamdulilah, he's better right now. I say right now because his condition can change overnight.
He's been on antibiotic after antibiotic. Steriod cream after steriod cream. I wish I could take it away for him. In between the scratching he is a delight!