Nice

I'm editing this post so that i'm not confronted by the really nice comment made to me.

I remembered something else!

Lol!
I am a consumer. I consume and consume and consume. Phew! It's tiring and actually pretty unfulfilling. I remember  a song by Kanye West "All falls down" resonated with me. Let me fnd the words...
"a single black female addicted to retail...We'll buy a lot of clothes when we don't really need em
Things we buy to cover up what's inside..."

There's more but these highlight the point i'm trying to make. Why do I feel the need to acquire stuff? I have two large storage cupboards jan packed with 'things'. I use the same things in these cupboards and large majority are stored. But if I don't use them, what the heck am I keeping them for?
I need to get rid of some shit!

I've penned a few blog entries in my head

But not posted them. Lets see if i can remember...
Oh yeah, the first was about perception.
It follows on from my ST Georges flag post.
When I see a woman in niqab I feel a bit envious. I wish that I had the faith and confidence to wear one. I don't feel fear, but apparently some do.
I can't remember what it felt like for me to see a woman in niqab before I was a Muslim. I'm not sure I even noticed.
So perception in 'nine tenths of the law' as  I like to put it. We can look at the same thing and yet perceive it to be something else.
My husband and I can't agree on what a jumper is.
Which leads me on to politics...
I spoke to friend on polling day about who were going to vote for and our reasons behind doing so. This conversation carried on for approximately 60mins. With us no closer to understanding each others viewpoint. We've been friends for a long time.
But it did make me wonder how we can be friends when we are poles apart in our thinking regarding politics? In fact, it's not that our chosen political stances differ. It's that our understanding of the political system is very different.
It was her first year voting.
Which leads me on to a thread at my favourite watering hole ;) Where it was  argued that the BNP are not racist and how is 'Britain staying British' racist?
Well what can I say to that? Lots, but I'm not going to bother other than to ask what is it to be British?
And finally. After watching that debate unfold I bumped into someone that i've known for about 20yrs and some how got onto politics (yeah, learn your lesson woman). She then started to go on about illegal immigrants??!! Show me and illegal immigrant!! I know they exist but honestly I think the people she was talking about were immigrants. Nothing illegal about them.
This coming from a woman who 'fiddles the system'. WTHeck??!!
I'll crawl my butt back under a stone.

St George's Day

Apparently he is the patron saint of a few places which I never new. In fact I know little to nothing about St George. My guess is that most people don't.

I do know about the flag. The English flag. St George's cross.






It actually elicits a physical response from me, and not a positive one. A little feeling of dread. I can't help it. In my head I know it is just the flag of England. But the numpties who have commandeered it as their own have succeeded (in my case) in creating a negativity around it.
I was talking to a friend a couple  of months ago about how twerps have made it unpopular to fly the flag and celebrate St George's day. That we should claim it back and celebrate it as it was meant.
I agree. Maybe next year we should Issue St George's day as a 'claiming it back day'!
Maybe next year I'll fly the flag (I doubt it though).

Health Care Bill

I don't know the ins and outs of it but I hope that it helps to improve the lives of those that need help, but can't get it (for whatever reason).
I can't imagine not being able to pop along to the doctors. Worrying about whether it will be covered by my insurance. The NHS is not perfect by any means, but I thank God that it is available to me.
I'm at the doctors most weeks with my sons eczema. I am repeatedly getting prescriptions for him (which are free).
I'll say it again. Alhamdulilah (praise be to God)!

So I visited a school today

I'm not sure what I think of it.
The person showing me around was a little lack lustre. Is that relevant?
I asked if she enjoyed working there? She said it was alright *shrug* - what do you say to that?
It is a small school - bonus. But the school is small iykwim? The playground wasn't very large. But it had a separate area for the nursery kids and a garden for growing plants/veg?
Overall it seemed OK but I'm not enamoured with it.
The search goes on...

I'm Anxious

About which school my son should go to. He won't go until he's 5 as he's born in September (he's 3 now) I have to choose when he's 4. But I can't stop thinking about which school he will attend.
I keep toying with the idea of home schooling but don't know if I could do it!
I'm visiting another school tomorrow. I don't want him to go there and I've not even visited it.
I also made an appointment at another school for Friday.
I tried to go and visit the closest school (I attended it for just under two school years), as far as i'm concerned it's a crock. But I thought it was 20 years ago that I attended it and I shouldn't go off what people have said about it as their values could be very different.
So I phoned and tried to make an appointment to have a look at the school at the person I spoke to did their utmost to dissuade me. What's that about? I'm not even going to bother!!!

Another school that I visited, and reputedly a good one (I did like the feel of it).The person that showed me around was telling me I should put one of my 'local' schools down as I may get turned down and find that the local authority place my son in a school that is ridiculously far away. 'would I rather he go to a crappy school (even if it's just through the appeals process). Or a school in a different part of the city?'.
Neither thanks!
These schools that I'm looking at are 10/15 min walk away and 5 mins in the car.

I'm getting to babywear!!!

It's so nice!!! I'm finally able to wear my youngest son!!! His face and scatching has improved enough for me to wear him!
I've worn him in my Zitai's mostly. They are perfect!
I've got to build my babywearing muscles back up but it so nice to be able to back carry my little guy.

Where are you from?

I get this every so often. Mostly from Muslims.
I always stutter. I want to say "I am from Manchester thanks!"
I'm a Mancunian gosh darn it!
But that's not what they want to know. They want to know where I get my brown skin from. So I say, "my parents are from Jamaica". Then I feel like I'm disowning Jamaica, which I'm not. But I've never set foot there. My parents both attended secondary school in the UK and when the talk patois (Jamaican), I wanna hide under a stone lol! Because it's so alien to me (don't tell them ;)It sounds like they're putting it on.
I was having this conversation with my husband as it happened again and he said - as he always says "you're Jamaican".
He's Somali - well he's as Mancunian as they come but his parents are Somali. So I said
"I would argue that as Jamaica was a colony of Britain and under British rule for the longest time. The traditions and identity of Jamaicans (descendants of African slaves) has been somewhat eroded and intermingled with that of their 'rulers'" Well something like that lol!
So he said that maybe it was something about my family that didn't identify with being Jamaican.

Fair enough, I suppose that could be the case.
When I look at him I see that it is something to be Somali iykwim? Traditions,pride, a sense of belonging and many other things. That is aside from the identity he has from being a (born)Muslim.
I don't know what it is to be Jamaican. We ate ackee and saltfish on special occasions. But we ate roast chicken on Sunday's and everything else was not especially Jamaican (whatever that is).
I identify most with being Mancunian. I talk like a Manc. I walk like a Manc. But I don't drink like a Manc ;) lol!

Parenting can be lonely and thankless

Did I know that before I 'signed up'? Nope. I mean I didn't expect it to be a whirlwind of parties and canapes.
But shoot! It's isolating.
Well I'm not your socialising type anyway. I've been a home body for a long while. I could force myself to go to the park and smile at the other mum's but I don't want to.
Do you think you can make friends as an adult? I mean real friends?
I feel like I have. But I'm not very good at maintaining relationships, and relationships can't be one sided.
End waffle

Are you Socially/Environmentally Responsible?

I know for sure that i'm not environmentally responsible.
I walk past a lady that cycles to the nursery with her son and today I mentioned that I feel bad getting into my car when she's cycled.
I think I'm a wannabe. I want to be more responsible but quite frankly, i'm not.
I don't recycle. I dabbled in cloth nappies, that didn't take. I don't use my car often but I could use it less (less than 7000 miles in 3yrs). However, we are a two car family and we do use each others cars.
I've turned the heating down, but that was for my son.
I've started putting my food waste to be composted by the council. Only because they've given me the facility to do so.
So as you can see I'm not responsible. Sometimes I feel stupid

What happened to babywearing?

Gosh! it used to be my main obsession. I think I have an addictive personality ;)
I can't wear my youngest son as much as he uses me and the slings to scratch his itch :(

Alhamdulilah (Praise be to God)!!!

I know my last post was a bit self indulgent (tripe). I just wanted to say that overall I feel so very lucky Alhamdulilah!
I have a husband who works very hard to provide a very good living for me. I have the family I have always wanted.
Life is good!

Waffle

I've lived in the same house for 20 years. Coming up 21. I hate almost everything about this place. I'm starting to like a little bit more.
I guess because I'm finally starting to put my stamp on it. I've always thought of this place of a stepping stone. Some stepping stone you'd say.
I moved here when I was ten and lived here with my family (mum and brothers) until I was about 17/18 years old. When my elder brother moved back, my mum moved out with her now ex husband.
So in the year 2000 my big bro had serious car accident and was in a coma for six months (we were told he would never wake - he did but is wheelchair bound)and myself and my then boyfriend, now husband were 'stuck' here. We both resented it for different reasons- the house that is.
So i've never moved out. I'm just here. Still.
I have to say alhamdulilah though. Although it's not the way I had envisaged it. It has worked out well.
I've got much more to say but just don't have it in my right now.

Happy New year!

I have composed many a blog entry over these past months - in my head. Not sure if they would have been of any interest to anyone.
I've been awol mostly because my second son has had a severe case of infected eczema on his face for over half of his life. It's been an absolute nightmare. I have been unable to put him down for months on end as he would scratch, and scratch and scratch. His face was a raw open wound. As I described it to a friend 'he looked like corned beef and smelled like raw meat'. Poor kid
Can you imagine being so itchy that you can't.stop.itching? It drove me crazy so I can't imagine how it felt for him.
Alhamdulilah, he's better right now. I say right now because his condition can change overnight.
He's been on antibiotic after antibiotic. Steriod cream after steriod cream. I wish I could take it away for him. In between the scratching he is a delight!

Chick, chick, chick, chick, chicken......

Ok, so I haven't got them yet but I'm still trying to prepare for them.
I keep changing my mind as to which type we should get. Bantams, Light fowl or Large fowl.
The smaller they are the more you can keep ;)
We (my eldest son, my mum and myself - whilst pregnant) attended a chicken keeping course. It was actually fun! My son got to hold a chick and stroke and feed the birds. He still talks about it now!
And then there's housing. As I've said before I'd like an Eglu. But I've realised that I'd have to get a cube as I live somwhere that an eglu 'classic' could quite easily be pinched.
So one day maybe.
Wooden houses have started to look more attainable right now. Doodlehouses are top of the list as they can be completely dismantled so that any red mite infestations can be eradicated. Apparently, it's very common and not very nice for the birds.
Anyway, the breeds that I'm thinking of at the moment are Araucana, Sultan and Silkie
All are pure breeds rather than hybrids. Which mean they will not lay as many eggs but should live longer and lay for longer. I've realised that I'm looking for pet chickens. Chickens that will be fun for the children, that will give us a few eggs and are part of the family. Rather than prolific egg layers as we don't eat that many eggs!

So who is your perfect birth partner?

It gets thrown up in the news every so often doesn't it? Should fathers be at births or not?
For my first, there was no question. As far as I was concerned my husband had to be at the birth. He did well too and I'm glad he was there to help me with this strange new experience.
For the second, I gave him the option of not being there. I knew how traumatic it was for him. I knew what to expect, and that I could cope with what was to come.
Don't get me wrong. I did want him there but I realised that it should be his choice. I can't imagine what it's like to witness someone you love give birth. I can't watch strangers on the television! Without any drugs too!! No thanks ;)
Anyway, If you read my birth story you know that he did attend the birth of our second child, and was the PERFECT birth partner. I can't imagine giving birth without him.
It's his voice I hear through the pain. The one that coaches me and supports me. Just thinking about it makes me go all gooey.
So who is your perfect birth partner?

My Birth Story

I've never posted this online and have only shared it with a couple of people.

I’d been having contractions for 3 days previously, consistent and uncomfortable but they didn’t amount to anything. During those 3 days I was using my TENS machine on and off to manage the pain.

I’d also phoned the midwife a few times as I had opted for a homebirth and wanted to keep them updated as my son’s birth had been fairly quick and I didn’t want to be caught out.

At this point I still hadn’t decided if I was going to have the baby at home or in the hospital. My husband had wanted me to go to hospital but had also said it was ultimately my decision.

A friend had brought to my attention that there had been an MRSA scare at Saint Mary’s Hospital, which was the hospital I was intending to give birth in *if * I went to hospital. I guess it ended up being a blessing in disguise as it helped to convince my husband that a homebirth was an option. However, it shook me as I always wanted and needed the option of the hospital whatever I ultimately decided.

Many of my slingmeet friends advocate homebirth, and although I could see benefits I didn’t have a horrible experience in hospital with my first. Therefore I didn’t know what I wanted, or feel strongly one way or another.

My friend Souad said to me that I should give birth wherever I feel safe. That became my mantra. So when people asked me if I had decided where I was going to give birth I could never tell them.I did not know if I could/would feel safe at home until It was happening. So I would just say that I would see how I felt at the time.

So on the Tuesday morning I woke up and was still having regular, uncomfortable contractions and was due to go and see the midwife for a check up. I popped out to macdonalds and got myself an egg mcmuffin whilst my husband and son were in bed. On the way back to the house my contractions became stronger and more uncomfortable. I decided to phone the midwife and let her know. She decided to pop out and see me rather than make me come to the Gp’s surgery.

Along came the midwife. She offered to give me an internal (delightful) , and promptly told me that I hadn’t dilated AT ALL, although my cervix was favourable and things were looking good.

That depressed me no end, as the previous days of contractions were taking their toll. My first sons’ labour was pretty straight forward compared to this so I felt like a novice.

I busied myself on the internet ;) , did a few chores and sat upstairs watching tv trying to cope with the contractions that were getting stronger, moving from my exercise ball to the bed. Whilst timing the contractions with a timer available on the internet. They had been for the longest time under 10mins apart ( I was told to phone the midwife when they were 10mins apart). So I phoned the midwife again to keep them informed regarding my labour (I was scared that they would be unavailable). I was again told to phone back again when they got stronger. The contractions themselves were very painful, but in between I was fine.

This went on for a few more hours.

I then spoke to my husband and thought that it was time to take my son to his aunts as things were looking serious. All this time I have been using my tens machine to cope with the pain (thank God for the boost button).

All of a sudden I had the mother of all contractions and I shouted out in pain for my husband to come! I didn’t think he would hear me. He came running up the stairs and I told him that the baby was going to show up sooner rather than later.

Another phone call to the midwives at approximately 9.00pm. The midwife i had been speaking to was due to go off shift at 9.30 and she asked me if I could hold on until the next person came on shift. I had two contractions within the space of 5mins. Contractions where you can.not.talk.

She said she’d make her way here.

Hubby made a few frantic phone calls to arrange someone to pick my son up as we have an ‘arsey’ car seat that is not the quickest to transfer from car to car. So his sister came and took my car and son to her other sisters, lol!

All the time I was having ‘real’ contractions upstairs, leaning on banister pressing boost J

Two midwives arrived at approximately 9.30pm. By then I had come downstairs with my birthing ball and was leant over it pressing boost, trying to cope with the pain.

After the midwives had set up their equipment it was time to have another internal ;) the fun of it! The midwife found that I was 7-8 centimetres dilated!! I was astounded, well I wasn’t – it felt like I was going to have a baby soon. It was strange to go from 0 cms and despondent that morning, to 7-8 after days of contractions, and nothing to show for it.

Then the gas and air was cracked open! I absolutely adore the stuff ;) It took the edge off the pain and made me more relaxed. At this point i was still using the birthing ball. I remember looking over at my husband in the corner of the room and asking him if he was ok as he was just stood in the corner of the room.

I then began leaning over the ball to help manage the pain, by this time I was pretty noisy. But who cares? I certainly didn’t. Whilst leaning over the ball my water broke, well it exploded. I had a feeling of immediate relief, and then it stepped up a notch. I remember having to lean back off the ball so that they could listen to the baby’s heartbeat.

At some point my husband had come to my side to support me. It was time to push. The midwife asked me to stop using the gas and air as it was time to get baby out. I wasn’t aware of the time that elapsed whilst pushing (as you can imagine). All I can remember was how good a birth partner my husband was. He coached me so well and I listened to him rather than the midwife.

I ended up giving birth leaning on my sofa.

He was placed straight on to my chest and all the pain that I had experienced disappeared. I looked down and he looked just like my other son, except bigger. His feet were huge and he looked at me like he knew who I was.

I AM SOMEBODY!!!!!

Today I was reminded that I am somebody. Yes I'm a mother and I wife but I am me too!

My friend was shocked when I told her that we co sleep with both of the boys (we bought an Emperor bed just for the job - 7ft by 7ft something.....mmm). She commented that I needed some time to myself.
I laughed, and thought she was just another 'main streamer' disapproving of my parenting choices and brushed it off.

Today I was complemented by the practice nurse. She's normally quite blunt, rushed off her feet and well, a bit rude really. Thinking about it everyone was on form today at my doctors. The receptionist was APOLOGETIC (never been) communicative and pleasant (usually they are the 'gatekeepers' for the GP's and often bulldog like).
Anyway, so the nurse said I was 'considerate' I was like... er what do you mean?
I had attended with both of my sons as my youngest is having a hard time with the skin on his face and head.
So she proceeded to say how I'd asked if my son could play with the toys she has for children in her room and that no one ever did. Then she asked me what I did. I replied that I was a sahm. Then she asked what I did before - I was a student ( I often forget I had just started my masters when I got pregnant with my eldest an proceeded to get hypermesis gravidarum and I dropped out). We chatted a little more.
So even though this conversation may seem innocuous to yourself it made me feel good :) She was interested in ME and it was like - your not the same as the people I come across here I'd like to know a little more about YOU. This was the first step in my realisation (or rememberance) that I am SOMEBODY.

Then I had a dentist appointment straight after. I met my husband in a supermarket car park and swapped cars as I was running late. He asked if I was taking my youngest lol! I asked him if I should sit him on my lap when I'm on the dentists chair ;)
I went in and the receptionist remembered my name! Can you believe that lol!
I had a conversation with a grown up. These people conversed with me, just because!! They didn't have to, they could have given me my card and sent me on my way.
Can you tell my self esteem is low?
I had forgotten about me.
I'm trying so hard (feeling like I'm failing) to be a decent mother and homemaker that I have forgotten the core of ME and if there is no me then how can anything else be?
I feel happy. I just need to remember how to access this emotion. How to access me because although I love my role as a mother, wife and homemaker (lol). The core of me need to be nurtured so that I can flourish as a person.

Meet my due date baby!

He's a little monster compared to his big brother! Already in 3-6 month clothing ;) His elder brother adores him and just wants to kiss and cuddle him all the time! I feel so lucky.
The vest was a present from my crochet teacher Ceri who sells things on folksy under the name fabricake